(influenced by some of my lyrical favorites playing in the background as I type my heart out.)

Why did you leave us? Addicted to pills I know, I can see how it kills. We waited, it was so unexpected. We needed you, I needed you. I witnessed so much death so much of these pills that kill. The bottom of hell. I guess the pills were more important, you kept Poppin until the pills killed you, I begged you to stop but you couldn’t, addiction leaves a burden no one can swallow. They took you and you heart stopped beating. The drugs had you held captive. Had your mind captured, now they captured mine and I hope to feel better as time passes but I see my self following in your steps. How could you leave us? Deep depression was a rotten curse. Crying my eyes out is hard, music is the only thing that brings me peace to think of you. They found you on the floor. I don’t know if you can hear me or not but how could you leave us, trapped inside the mind I have that consumes me I obsess, traumatized I cant let go. I don’t trust this thing that beats inside my chest and the mind that goes overbearing I obsess. Lately I push everyone away I love the most. The pills catch me as I fall. But I tell my self I wont end up like you. People don’t tell you Mental illness is a hereditary family curse. Voices in our heads screaming to leave us alone. Diagnosed with so much the trauma is what keeps me not wanting the drama. I obsessively obsess over things you don’t normally think about, its so draining. Were so over looked that people walk right past us with our smeared mascara and lipstick forcing the shape of a smile as if its the joker itself, they don’t know the battles I face, they don’t understand the turmoil im going through. I sit in the corner and question will I wake up in the morning. I wont leave them the way you left us. I should let these feelings go but im afraid they wont make me feel more ok. I just yell inside to leave me alone and continue the pattern of this black and white road. I cover my face but I feel this trauma weighing on me everyday. The smell of death still lingers in my nose, the images play like a old slide show. I tell my mind to quiet down.

People say hey how’s life Mel, well I didn’t sleep well last night to be honest, cant remember the last time my mind silenced enough to rest. Every year I’m having breakdowns. I see a therapist, some funny things happening up in my mind. Life gets blurry things hurt me, they give me what they think is antidote but all it is, is creating the same addiction that took you guys. Then I get anxious, then my thoughts get dangerous. OCD is trying to push me to my edge. Which version of me will I wake up to today? Doesn’t mean much when we suffocate what we hope wont survive inside of us but our mind is a powerful place, The curse will re surface with the scariest face. Feed it what you want to lead you to your permanent place.

When I die, I don’t care where my shell of a body goes, don’t put to much money into my cold head stone, I’m more concerned about my soul. Everyone wants change, but no one wants to make the changes. No one wants to pray until they have something they need to pray for. Its hard for him to answer our prayers when no ones following or turning to him. I put my mind to you God and fall to my knees I know you see me, I feel you and I need you. Save me from this nightmare inside my mind ive created with the trauma I have witnessed. Youre the only one who can cleanse me pure and clean again. Here I go again, typing as if this is yet another therapy session pouring out my depression. Personality disorders self inflicting pain. You want me to smile or laugh or put on a mask, trying to express this respectfully I do my best to be calm. Look In the mirror, my life is full of drama. Im trying to deal with depression, im trying to deal with the pressure, be a mother be a daughter to the mother I have, My father and brother both gone to the same pills im on. I know I handle some things immaturely, im not the type to sit in silence. Why don’t I write something happy they say everything’s so dark? Meet me in person, I don’t expect everyone to get my perspective. Old battered soul. I write about things I actually feel, deal with and its real, it helps me, God gave me the ability to be able to express my feelings openly whether its a blessing yet a curse, this is my therapy. Follow me, feel me. Hold my hand. Relate to me. Whats reality with all these questions?

My Mind sometimes feels like a home im trapped in. All over the place I crumble. I write usually when im in a bad place the part of me you don’t want to see, emotionally abused you don’t want to see it, the marks ive left on these walls or on my body. Wish I could burn these feelings to the ground because the horrific memories haunt me like a nightmare a cant shake off. Its lonely inside this mind I build these walls so high until you cant take these bricks down. I lie to myself when I say I try the best I can, I need God more then I seek. Will I ever take these walls down. How did it feel to lean down over and slump until your heart stopped eyes open? or how did it feel arms open falling at 530 am 6 story’s high to the cold halt of concrete. You may have already been gone before you even fell, drugs were more important to them then your life. Shutting the world out didn’t solve the problems. I vomited as I stood there looking up. These problems never leave. This part in my mind I tried building my safe room that I wont let anyone inside im emotionally scarred. This doors not opening up cause I cant let any one else hurt me. Its not safer in here, the haunting memories I need to pick a different chamber to lock myself in as I stay on these pills. Is this me or my PTSD talking. It gets lonely. Leaving me left a trauma ill never heal from, so graphic, I screamed your names. Held your cold corpses. Pain is a prison I need out of this cell. I scream in my pillow cases, sit on the shower floor as the water just beats on my back. Fake a smile for my Beautiful kids. I have pictures of you guys but I need the real fucking thing. I was just a kid, I forgive you but I don’t feel better as time passes, you promised to never leave us. You asked me to rescue you it took everything inside of me to not run that time like I always would. The call, Moms screams. My screams. Im hallow. Sometimes I just wish I just went, you should be here. The pills got you right!? They got me now too. But I wont let them take me the way they took you guys. Say goodbye to the old me.

They say when we grow up well understand when were older, but I don’t think i can ever let go of this. Life is so short. Death can creep around your every corner. When you see the world through a a broken lens that’s when you understand theres no point in revenge. People change even satan used to be an angel. Stay close to those who are loyal, talk to the man upstairs and don’t let your fear destroy your faith. They tell you all I’m a phcyco, after all ive been through can you blame me? Battling Border line personality disorders just fulfill my destiny until the death of me. Mourning those I love, real honest, real topics. I have dreams, some ive had everything ive ever wanted, some all the nightmares flowing like a running stream. Take me to the rooftop where I can feel the cold air. Maybe then someone will care. Right now My God its in your Hands, As long as hes in my heart nothing can hurt me. Look at all of you on your pedestals why don’t you step down from your judgmental high horse were all damaged and hide it well on the surface. Ive made it this far lets hope my mind doesn’t go out on the loose. People claim they’re with you but leave in your time of need. Often I apologize for what? being me? That is something I cant do. Take me or leave me this is the raw truth of a girl whos been broken and built and broken again. I just sit here and put it to God..

To Be Continued.. XO MALDO