I found myself blindsided by a feeling ive never known. I’m dealing with it on my own. What do I do with all this time. Aching thoughts as it gets late. My hearts in a fragile state. Youre gone from this world. Nothing seems to clear my mind I cant forget you. My bones ache for you since you left this world. My heart will forever be missing a piece. I tell myself hold on another night, Hes in a safe place. The darkness he must have carried got to heavy. Addiction can swallow you alive and eat your soul. How could you leave us like you did? I know Gods plans are bigger then my mind can ever fathom. But you just left us, I need you. I didn’t know what it was like to be addicted to pills but I did know what it was like to see how it kills. Two men I loved the most taken from me to the illness, Mama im gonna need therapy. I sit alone and tears roll down my cheeks missing them, Daddy you didn’t want to watch your babies grow? I told you those pills were going to kill you. You made a promise you couldn’t keep, I know you tried but at that point you heart was too weak. I know youre gone but I can still feel you. You left so much, you missed so much. the drugs captured your mind, I was nothing but a kid who couldn’t understand it. Picking you up in your own vomit, hearing baby cries next door to a closed door where the other laid near breathless. Mama couldn’t know, no My Mama couldn’t know. For she would have never let me go. I thought I would heal as time passes, its only as if more salt gets poured into these wounds. The pills came back to finish you, you were found on the floor. Cold to the core. You were gone this time. But ill always remain Daddys little girl. My kids will never know you daddy you aren’t here for that, ill see you again one day in the sky, but now theres so much I wish I could have done differently but I was only a teenager who knew no better, but I will always wish you were here. The Drs try downing me in the same pills as you.

Big brother, you were my rock I leaned on you in all of my darkest days. You left us all too soon. Remember the songs we would sing all those years ago? They come on and I hear you sing. Mom tells me to pray so I pray but this hurt doesn’t go away. You left your legacy your beautiful children. Why did you have to go? I know youre watching over us every night. Cause when I look up at the beautiful sky I know its because youre up there. I never missed your calls. I was always there for you no matter the hour and you were always there for me. Addiction didn’t get to me, but it got the best of you. Calls from the jail cells I would rescue you at 3am. remember that time the roles were reversed and you picked your baby sister up from jail? You just looked at me and smiled, made me smile knowing everything was always going to be more then just okay. Years went on, you followed up and down that path of addiction, conflicted with the madness, there came a time I missed your call. I was no longer coming to rescue you. my heart was breaking, big brother I am sorry I didn’t come rescue you that one time, maybe things would have ended a little bit differently. You thanked me everyday through your sober days and years for what I did and never left your side, even when you slept for days. I held you as you would withdrawal, you would beg me to hold you down. Lock you up and throw away the keys. You prayed to God that if you ever became a victim to your addiction again to take you from this world before it ate you alive or your children could see.. I get the chills knowing he did just that. We prayed for him to save you, which he indeed did save, you but just not in the way any of us ever wanted. Like they say, God always answers our prayers just not always the way we want.

Remember that sunrise my first time in vegas? Just the two of us on that parking structure watching the sun color the night sky as we talked about life. We were inseparable since the day I was born. I know youre with me. I feel so lost and so un protected with out you and dad, I never got to say goodbye, like a shooting star you were gone so fast, so soon. I will never be the same. My Shinning star on my darkest days like Momma would tell us the story like the tattoo on my arm, I wish you could see just how much you mean to me still, how your memories play a role In my daily life. Not getting to say goodbye kills me. I stood by your lifeless body and held you, I told you I wouldn’t ever let you down, alone you and I, but it was nothing but your shell of a lifeless body. Your spirit had already gone on, I felt you listening to me holding me. Shine on in that better place, painting those heavinly gates. Daddy follows me with Lady bugs and You follow me with Green japanses beetles. The ones we would catch and tie strings to when we were little. I smile. You must have been in such a dark place that night, I know its not the way you meant to draw a crowd. I will always wish there was something I could have said or done, but we had no clue, only God knew what went wrong in your heart and mind. That view must have been beautiful 6 story’s high with the stars and city lights, I stood there after you were gone and wondered why didn’t you take me with you if you were going to go? She played innocent but now She’s behind bars. How could she look me in the eyes knowing she was involved. I hope it haunts her for the rest of her days even as I pray for my enemies and she admitted to me she’s the only one who could have changed that nights out come. But the drugs were her goal, your beautiful life vanished just like that over money drugs and greed. But I have to forgive. Trust In God. I woke up in the dead of the night only to come to find out it was the time of your death later on, it was like a jolt went through my body as I felt you leave this world in that very moment from hundreds of miles away, the first time we ever lived more then a 5 min walk or drive from each other In our lives. I knew it didn’t feel right when you moved. The pain of you leaving this world became unreal, I was on a mission to solve the missing pieces. Because even though im still here a part of me fell off that rooftop with you. A troubled soul God rescued. Daddy carried you to heaven in his arms. (The words of my 3 year old at the time, “mama when uncle fell off the rooftop, papa caught him and carried him to heaven, i saw it”… those are words from her beautiful little soul) I blame thee addiction for losing you both. Why the pills? Why the drugs? Why, why. The blue jays fly by me reminding me of you my brother. I will forever have the burning question of why your guys lives weren’t meant to carry on longer, the ages 45 and 32 were far to young, but I love our lord, I know God had a bigger plan. That was the end of your beautiful song. You guys played music for me and when I hear it on the radio its as if you both are still speaking to me, music lives forever even if we don’t. I saw you were restless in your eyes, but it wasn’t time for you to leave, but in this life I know God has us made to be who were meant to be and takes us when were meant to leave, but in my heart youre always there. This is not goodbye. Let your new life begin. Moms screams haunt me in my nightmares, but your smile enlightens my dreams. I cant believe youre really gone. I just want to sit here and watch the memories play in my head like a home movie, hear your laugh. Sometimes a grater plan is hard to understand, but just have faith. I hear you both through music everyday, You telling me to not cry or be sad, that youre in paradise with dad. if I listen its to me. I use white lighters to see what’s in front of me. You became comfortably numb but I will always feel for you. I feel like I’m in a box with the oxygen off. I know now youre aware and clear with you thoughts. But what do I do. Just remember you. Pray to feel you and see you in my dreams. This world, My world will never be the same. Brother I will forever remember our talk on DejaVu, we both had them so frequently, you said it means youre where youre at doing what youre supposed to be doing in that very moment, that things are right on track were on the right path, I live by that now, and with every single DejaVu, I think of You. I Love You.

If youre reading this and you’ve lost a loved one, just know that they are always in our hearts. Its okay to break down every now and then, its a part of the cycle. For me, tonight’s been one of those lonely nights, heavy on my heart and mind. We will be Okay. “Tears are as natural to us as breathing, and there is beauty in allowing yourself to be open to the pain of tears.”

Good Night, XOXO Maldo
Always inspired to write by listening to some of my lyrical favorites..