When you lose everything and everyone due to your own actions, you re-evaluate yourself and your entire life and existence along with everything you were and wish to be. Your world comes to an earth shattering standstill and there is a decision to be made. I made mine and changed. I still have my flaws, I still learn everyday, a new me has bloomed in so many ways. Ive live, Loved and lost. Now I want to Live, Love and learn. Right in-between the highs and lows. Pick up the pieces of my past mistakes and be a better person. I am a better person. I wish I had a chance to show some people I have lost over the years that. Life beyond the window, don’t be jealous of the way the other bird fly’s. I lay awake in the moonlight, maybe what I miss most is the door I had to close. Maybe ill never know.

I cant undo what ive done, I imagine what it looks like. Time is faster then everything I left behind, we cant go backwards. I waited for something that wasn’t to complicated, but I was looking in the wrong places. Time to love myself before I give it to someone else. To those I have hurt, I don’t want to cry anymore, I just want to find my way. Youre all the reason I have made the changes ive made. Id climb every mountain, swim every ocean, just to be with you, and fix what ive broken what ive done. I had a dark shadow over my head, I wasn’t myself and to those I damaged I am sorry. I will forever hold that in my heart heavy as a brick as it beats. I wake up and smell the coffee, is my cup half full or empty. Ive had to learn how to be calm and that its all perspective.

I just want those to know when its cold and I feel the wind blow I sit sad in this silence, I kept quiet which isn’t me, and re evaluated it all. I want to show you everything ive kept inside I’m so sorry. I Feel deeper then most, my emotions flow like a fast paced white water river. My body shivers and I’m alone. Before I know it I’m hooked up to wires on my chest, IVs in my arms, and I look around to an empty room. Have I really lost it all this time? Strangers in the halls, only nurses and drs at my call. I Had to sit back and decipher what to do next. Shut down or build upward. I may have destroyed a lot in my path, however the foundation is still there and I wont give up hope. For any of you reading this, who may feel the same way as I, its not over lets not forget they say time heals all wounds, will it? You aren’t alone, and if youre one of the many I have hurt on my path to no where fast that I was on and you are reading this, just know I see it, and I am sorry. I am forever changed. Thank you for the memories. I hope one day to create more. When I’m losing light, and I feel like I don’t have enough energy to fight, I think of you all. Youre worth it to me, I don’t want to mourn anyone else while they’re still breathing. I wont beg for them to be in my life, if you relate you shouldn’t either, but we need to grow from this. If you need me, Wanna see me, I’m here. Sorry feels like it cant save me now. Sorry I didn’t know how. I felt like there was no way out but down. Do you know what a year long headache does to you? Lost in my mind it was a hurricane, I love them, and miss them. I know there was damage done, some of those foundations are gone for good in their eyes. I have learned to accept.

A beautiful sunrise is calling on the other end, even at my last breath. Put our pride to the side and let love lead the way and mend these wounds. I lost my cool, I promise it wont happen again, a phrase I said many times before you walked away. Ill tell you more when youre sober I would hear. Well my dears I am here, sober and listening. To you all im sorry. This is me now, get to know her, take it or leave it. I’ve grown, I’ve changed the veil over my eyes has been lifted. It happens, Life keeps moving forward.. Only up from here.

For now, over n out..

XOXO Maldo