The decietful lies, the rotten curse of trusting no one. Opening your heart only for it to be choked until it feels as if its struggling to beat each beat to pump the blood flow to your brain, for you brain to tell your self to breath and you cant its like all the air in you lungs leaves you. You gasp for air, I have felt that many times. I wonder what its like to feel okay. Would you like it if I drank that? Would you like it if I took that? Self medicate until I lose all control, control of carrying this hurt heavy inside my veins. I don’t want to feel numb, but the pain becomes so deep to bare, I’m just lost in despair.

Have you ever spoke with such pain, with words so sharp they slice your own tongue? Only to leave you choking on your own blood, drowning as you try to speak to yell youre so sorry, but you cant because youre drowning in your own pain you inflicted on yourself by glass on your tongue. Where do you go from there? Is there no saving me from this, I’m here and crying for air. You can hear me. Oh My heart you don’t have to hurt anymore, broken on the floor ive done this all before. I cant change anymore.

If you leave, can I keep the memories? Or do I wash them away with the high tide of the full moons peak. It pulls me until I cant speak, Can you feel this? or are my words to deep? Would you rather empty pages with no memories on them. Ive lost it all, are you going to catch me as I fall? Have you lost your way, or is it time to say youre missing someone else. So cold inside, that’s the reaction I get from everyone I give my love to. I snap, words sharp, bleed out and they walk away. Every time.

These questions and this story isn’t about a girl looking to feel sorry for herself. Don’t feel sorry for me, its the reality of being let go, based on my own actions. There came time, where I was the only one, even when I fell back you believed I tried. You were my symphony while I tried to learn to play. I wrote a story but it just wasn’t your way. Good byes are becoming more common then hellos to me. Life’s never like what we expect. Even if we do this to our selves life’s not black and white.

The power do you see it in me? If you leave will I do the same? Seems like its a pattern I follow like a fly to a light. They say she wont get help, she wont change her self. Broken on the floor will you rescue her anymore. No. She has to learn to save her self. Maybe with a little time shell find what it is that she looking for. I need to be set free, I saw a side of me that scared me too. You all run away. The closer I get to you the more I feel you pull away. When will this pattern break.

No one can see through my darkness. No one sees through it to find the light, they try and its like its not even there. The pain I endure is unreal, But I move forward. You should too if this sounds like you.. Its okay to not be okay, ive written in my previous blog and I mean it with every bone In my fingertips on this key board. I’m praying a little more. God just lead the way, open the door. I’m paying for my sins cause it’s all I can afford. I’m learning..

XOXO MALDO